guilt

Road Closed!!!

This was originally written on July 19, 2014 on my old blog site at the180program.blogspot.com. This was a very dark time for me personally and unfortunately I could not speak to many about it, becuase it was better to put on a mask and fake it than it was for the truth to be known.  Today though I am very grateful to be able to say I am on the other side of it; and my body is still in the healing process. 

Road Closed!!! NOT

This past week, if you watch my news feed on Facebook,  you would have seen this status:

You know that point where you are so tired of praying for God to answer, and you are trying to be obedient and not go back to the cross where you laid it and pick it up and try to “fix it” yourself….Yep I am there.

 

God took me to Haggai earlier this week. Today during my quiet time I was in Haggai 2.

‘Does anyone remember this house—this Temple—in its former splendor?
How, in comparison, does it look to you now? It must seem like nothing at all!
But now the Lord says: Be strong, Zerubbabel. Be strong, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest.
Be strong, all you people still left in the land.
And now get to work, for I am with you, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid.’

What first hit me was “Does anyone remember this house…. this Temple…. In its former splendor…. Do you remember when you first became a Christ follower?  Were you on fire to tell everyone about what Christ had done for you?  And today what happened to that Former Splendor. Where is that fire today?

God asks in the next line “How in comparison does it look to you know”?

As real life happens and we don’t get our prayers answered as we see fit… we let the lies start to slip in and we start to think God doesn’t really care about our dreams and prayers. Then to make matters worse, you start hearing of people getting prayers answered and you are wondering; “What did I do wrong?”, “Why did my prayers not get answered?”  “What’s wrong with me?”

And so we allow the Splendor of who God really is… fade.

Some will walk away from the truth because the grass looks greener on the other side (remember though, that grass is being grown over the septic field). Some will try self-medication: shopping, drinking, drugs, changing something to fit in to a society they don’t want to fit in; but some image consultant said that would get them noticed.

We need to remember even in our darkest days, when the depression overcomes us, the shame of our past and we want to give up, quit or fix it our self and not wait on God…. We need to read the rest of this verse….

Be STRONG and NOW get to work…for I AM is with me…the Spirit was left as a guarantee to guide and direct… DO NOT BE AFRAID!
Version Mine 

If this spoke to you and you would like me to pray for you, fill out the form below with your request.

I’m Messy

Knock, knock….

Hello?

I answer the door and the church people chime right in “You are beautiful on the inside is what God says about you”.

Being as polite as I can, I say thank you, and excuse myself. I need to finish getting ready. He said he’d be here at 4.

As I stand looking in the mirror, make-up: check
Hair: check
Low cut, tight shirt: check

Sex….The world says that there’s no better way to show love, to feel love. Laying here, trying to feel….. He says it’ll be OK, I’ll be right here.

It’s over. He’s gone. Now I have another baby growing inside. Maybe this time it will be different.

As the months go by, he is gone and now there are 3. I still feel the same; maybe the next one will be different, he says he will stay.

On the outside you adorn yourself with hair, make-up, even nice clothes….but the ugliness, the dirtiness, the worthless feelings… you feel on the inside, they are still there.

You show no emotion.

You are detached from the emotions of the world.

You take cues from others when to laugh or smile, but your face, your face when the world isn’t watching shows hurt, anger and being scared.

A scared little four-year-old who has a four-year-old of her own.

What happened little girl when you were four?

Who are you still protecting little girl?

It’s OK, you’re safe now, they can’t hurt you.

Its what they say, but you don’t believe them.

How do you undo 20 years of secrets, shame and guilt because somehow you think this was your fault.

Going through the motions of day to day life, are you even trying?

Do you even care?

The church people ask.

But truth be told I don’t know how to stay alive, keep it together if I allowed one, just one secret out. And if you really knew me, church people….you would run. Run away just like everyone else, because I’m messy.

If I just let one secret out they may guess the rest. I’ve been told for so long it was just my imagination, it really didn’t happen. No one would believe you, they would say; so if you know what’s best, keep your mouth shut.

So keep my mouth shut I have.

***If this is your story, please know there are people who truly want to help you break free and enjoy life full of emotion. You can also email me at meredithsagekendall@gmail.com