Knock, knock….

Hello?

I answer the door and the church people chime right in “You are beautiful on the inside is what God says about you”.

Being as polite as I can, I say thank you, and excuse myself. I need to finish getting ready. He said he’d be here at 4.

As I stand looking in the mirror, make-up: check
Hair: check
Low cut, tight shirt: check

Sex….The world says that there’s no better way to show love, to feel love. Laying here, trying to feel….. He says it’ll be OK, I’ll be right here.

It’s over. He’s gone. Now I have another baby growing inside. Maybe this time it will be different.

As the months go by, he is gone and now there are 3. I still feel the same; maybe the next one will be different, he says he will stay.

On the outside you adorn yourself with hair, make-up, even nice clothes….but the ugliness, the dirtiness, the worthless feelings… you feel on the inside, they are still there.

You show no emotion.

You are detached from the emotions of the world.

You take cues from others when to laugh or smile, but your face, your face when the world isn’t watching shows hurt, anger and being scared.

A scared little four-year-old who has a four-year-old of her own.

What happened little girl when you were four?

Who are you still protecting little girl?

It’s OK, you’re safe now, they can’t hurt you.

Its what they say, but you don’t believe them.

How do you undo 20 years of secrets, shame and guilt because somehow you think this was your fault.

Going through the motions of day to day life, are you even trying?

Do you even care?

The church people ask.

But truth be told I don’t know how to stay alive, keep it together if I allowed one, just one secret out. And if you really knew me, church people….you would run. Run away just like everyone else, because I’m messy.

If I just let one secret out they may guess the rest. I’ve been told for so long it was just my imagination, it really didn’t happen. No one would believe you, they would say; so if you know what’s best, keep your mouth shut.

So keep my mouth shut I have.

***If this is your story, please know there are people who truly want to help you break free and enjoy life full of emotion. You can also email me at meredithsagekendall@gmail.com